by: Jennine Estes
www.sandiegocounseling.blogspot.com
www.estestherapy.com
Saying Good-Bye to Critical Thoughts

Summer’s on its way and for San Diego that means it’s a time for beaches, barbeques, and fun in the sun! Many of us find ourselves making healthy decisions like switching to water instead of drinking soda, exercising a couple more times a week, or resisting the urge to eat that second sliver of cake while others sometimes make unhealthy–potentially dangerous–choices in a rush effort to shed those lingering holiday pounds: skipping meals, crash dieting, or running on the treadmill until being on the verge of collapse. Body image is important to most everybody–a fact that is felt even more so in a city known for having beautiful people.

Images seen in magazines of people who have been either professionally trained or surgically sculpted can inadvertently create a sense of anxiety which spurs harmful critical thoughts. Some examples of critical thoughts include the following:

-“I am fat. I HAVE to lose weight.”
-“How come everyone else can lose weight, but I can’t?”
-“I will only be happy if I lose weight.”
-“I NEED to go on a diet.”

Absolute phrases and words such as have to, only if, must, and need are key signs critical thinking is plaguing our minds. Critical thoughts can also manifest themselves in the form of seemingly innocuous little phrases that we automatically tell ourselves every day. For example, “I should have…” or “Why didn’t I…?” or “I needed to…” are ways we criticize our past decisions (or lack thereof) in an effort to take control of them today. In some cases critical thoughts can do the exact opposite of the action they’re meant to reinforce, causing us to give up on our goals when the self-imposed “need to” and “have to” extremist goals aren’t met. This outcome is aided by the fact that most of us use critical thoughts in attempt to drive ourselves up the ladder of achievement with relentless, oft times self-depreciating talk laden with rigid goals and unrealistic parameters: one can’t expect to burn five pounds a week simply by chanting critical thoughts in their head–action must be taken.

To avoid setting up for failure, we should focus on learning to nurture and care for ourselves and our goals, appreciating the process of achievement instead of setting our sights solely on the outcome. Finding a way to validate our frustrations without the use of critical thoughts and being able to recognize the critical thinking when it hits us in tandem with the ability to decrease both their frequency and impact is key to removing mental roadblocks that prevent us from being where we want to be.

Steps to Stop the Critical Thoughts

- Recognize the critical thought: Critical thoughts can rear their ugly heads up to 15 times within half an hour. Note that absolutes and directives such as must, have to, need, and always. Being able to see something that is engrained in our psyche can be difficult at first, but practice will lead to you eventually being able to see the negative critical thoughts so you can block them out altogether!

- Neutralize the power of the critical thought: You’ve identified the thought as being critical, now understand that is self-depreciating, negative, and unrealistic. By seeing these traits within the statement, you will be assisted in seeing the critical thought’s value for what it’s worth—absolutely nothing.

- Counter the critical thought by providing yourself with nurturing and validation: Tell yourself phrases such as “There is nothing wrong with me .” or “I am doing a good job.” Saying simple things like, “I did my best.” And “I’m getting there.” Are ways of telling yourself that you’re enduring and enjoying the experience the road to achievement is putting you through. Self-talk that reflects back on what you’ve accomplished as opposed to dwelling too much on what you’ve yet to gain help keep you in the moment and prevent you from being overwhelmed by a goal that may yet be a ways off.

- Notice the replacement positive behavior: Critical thoughts will always reside somewhere in your brain, but now you have a grasp on positive reinforcement and gradually the negative self-talk will be replaced with inspiring, success-oriented thinking. Eventually your mind will automatically conjure positive reinforcement in lieu of the damaging critical thinking.

Remember, it is perfectly acceptable to admit defeat (“Yes, it does hurt” or “I keep beating myself up”). Honestly validating why you’re not satisfied with where you’re at helps you naturally transition into a more well-adjusted state instead of trying the miracle method of instantly feeling better.

Quick Tips for Whipping Your Thinking into Shape

• Don’t set unrealistic goals

• Avoid influences that spur critical thoughts (magazines, celebrity news shows, etc.)

• Become aware of what the words you telling yourself really mean: know that “shoulda, coulda, woulda” was yesterday and “I will.” is a promise.

• Don’t invest your expectations too much into the end result which leads to anxiety and automatic failure–be sure to enjoy the ride getting there.

• Notice critical thoughts, and counter them with nurturing ones.

• Yesterday’s gone; tomorrow isn’t here yet; focus on The Now.

Jennine E. Estes, M.A., is a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern (IMF#47211) with her practice in San Diego. She is supervised by Dr. Mark Kaupp, MFC#33213. For more information about her, please visit http://www.EstesTherapy.com or visit her blog at http://www.sandiegocounsleing.blogspot.com.

By: Lisa Kift, MFT

If there’s one thing that we all seek - it’s happiness. I’ve never met a person who has told me they didn’t want to be happy, have you? When I do individual therapy, I have the opportunity to sit down with people as they present their concerns to me - whatever they may be. They usually seek therapy because they’re experiencing some level of emotional distress - and are fundamentally unhappy. I’ve noticed that a number of things come up over and over for people as reasons why this is so. There are certain things they either have - or don’t have - and with this information I’ve been able to come to an understanding of a question posed by many:

“What makes people happy?”

What do they have that others don’t? What’s their secret?

The following are my 6 secret qualities of happy people, in no particular order:

1) Absence of Toxic Shame: In the book, “Healing the Shame That Binds You,” John Bradshaw describes the difference between healthy vs toxic shame in that, “Healthy shame is an emotion which signals us about our limits…and keeps us grounded,” where “Toxic shame is experienced as the all-pervasive sense that I am flawed and defective as a human being.” Truly happy people have a strong sense of themselves and their value, in other words, an absence of toxic shame. This usually comes from a nurturing, loving and supportive experience in their families of origin. There are many reasons why people struggle with toxic shame. I find it often lies at the core of some depression, anxiety and perfectionism.

2) Absence of Resentment: Really happy people seem to be more successful at forgiveness. In addition, they often haven’t personalized the experience to the degree that others do. When you are good at letting things go - you don’t drag the burden of resentment around with you. Those who hold onto anger or grudges towards others for long periods of time can experience internal emotional distress that leads to bitterness, frustration and often health problems. They can also struggle with depression and excessive anger.

3) Living their Passion: People who are doing work that is satisfying to them, whether they simply enjoy showing up every day - or is more rewarding on a deeper level - tend to be happier. The same applies to those who have found a hobby or cause that brings them joy, whether it’s associated with work or not. Those who dislike their jobs and truly hate getting up every day to go to work tend to have an underlying baseline of life dissatisfaction that can lead to unhappiness. This is particularly true if they’re not engaging in something outside of work that touches that energizing place inside of them - which could atleast partially offset the impact of their unrewarding job.

4) Dreams for the Future: Those who have hopes, plans and excitement for the future are typically happier. They believe they can carry out their dreams - and can actually visualize them coming true. People who struggle with imagining what their futures might hold often don’t really believe that good things could actually happen for them. It’s possible their past or present have been so dismal that they’re unable to project positive things for the future. This is a very common belief of those struggling with depression. They may believe, “I can’t,” or “I don’t deserve.”

5) Ability to Stay in the Moment: Those who have mastered the skill to stay present - or in the moment - tend to be happier. Future worry is common for many people. Those who struggle with anxiety and depression often experience intense worry about about all sorts of things that can or might happen, so much so that the thinking creates an unpleasant emotional experience as if it’s actually occurred!

6) Connections to People: Happy people usually are connected to other people by supportive and loving relationships, no matter whether a few or many. There could be an argument that there are exceptions to this, but by and large, people need other people. From the time we are born, we seek to form attachments to our primary caregivers. Depending on the quality of these attachments, we will usually seek to form friendships and then - intimate partnerships. I’ve found that many unhappy people feel disconnected in some way to others - which can be very painful. Sometimes they are afraid to connect and other times their behavior is disconnecting. Regardless, for those who believe they need other people - and feel alone - a deep sense of unhappiness is common.

Like I mentioned previously, no matter who or where we are in this world, one of the ties that binds us together is the desire for happiness. Many of us know someone who seems to be a truly happy person. There’s something almost magical about them, their level of serenity, joy and state of “knowing” that everything will work out. And if doesn’t, it will still eventually be ok. I imagine that this person likely has all of the 6 happiness qualities I mentioned above. There are so many things that influence our emotional and psychological development. I believe that barring environmental chaos, (war, poverty, living conditions, etc) and severe psychological disturbance, we all have the ability to be “happy.”

It can require a bit of work to tackle the things that might be blocking us from that very achievable goal - shame, resentment, lack of dreams, future worry, isolation and/or lack of a life passion. The great news is I’ve seen it done enough times in my work as a therapist to know - it’s absolutely possible.

Lisa has written numerous articles on mental health and relationship topics which can be seen on her popular Therapy and Counseling Blog. She is also the creator of two new mental health and relationship resource blogs called, The Mental Health Place and The Healthy Relationships Place.

No matter how most people try hard, they wear so many different masks every time they face others. Why is this so? One clear reason they do this is for them to hide the flaming emotions that burn from within.

Truth is, they are hiding from events or people or scenarios that inflicted pain. They try to avoid these by wearing happy faces in front of the people that hurt them. Fake happiness is something that should be avoided. Generally, every fake emotion is something that has to be shut down. If you feel like crying then go ahead. If you can’t cry in public, then promise yourself a good cry at home.

You may find comfort with the mask that you are wearing but then sooner or later you will be living with a life full of lies. Open up, cry, get mad, shout and do whatever is needed to let that emotion out. Once everything is out, then its about time you explore true happiness and try to live with it for the rest of your life.

Cindy Libman, LICSW, LMFT, AEH
Pat Davies, MA, LP, LMFT, AEH   

Many people today are becoming aware of their innate ability to heal themselves. Healing can
mean any kind of transformation of blocked energy – be it physical, emotional, or spiritual. In the
physical body, blockages can be experienced as tension, tightness, numbness, or pain. In the
emotional body, blockages can take the form of depression, agitation, fear, disappointment, or
grief. In the mental field, blocked energy manifests as negative belief systems, denial, and
judgments. Any discomfort in your body or in your life is a direct message that you are out of
alignment with your true Self. Messages of discomfort can be received through our senses, our
thoughts, or in the form of metaphors. As you become consciously aware of these signals of
discomfort, you can use the following practice of Awareness Release Technique (ART) to
release these blocked energies.

Stage One – Centering and Invocation

Sit quietly and begin to breathe. Consciously breathe deeply and evenly to facilitate a
connection to your inner guidance. Invite your higher Self (the higher, wiser you that is your true
Self) to guide you in this process. You can also call for the assistance of the universal energy,
God, or any other Enlightened Being. Take about five minutes for centering and invocation.
Your intention is to discover the core energy of a specific problem (physical, mental, or
emotional).

Stage Two – Awareness

Awareness is a quality of your soul. Allow your awareness to scan your body and show you
where it wants to work. Use your awareness like the beam of a light from a flashlight,
illuminating a particular place in your body. A sense of pressure or discomfort (physical or
mental) will show you where you need to begin. An energy block is a dense, unconscious, lower
frequency vibration – a stagnant energy. This is a very important step, because often simply
bringing your attention to the block begins to release it. ART brings awareness into the dense
energy, increasing its vibration so that it can begin to move. Continuing to focus awareness
there allows the energy to expand and reveal itself to you.

Stage Three – Identification

Imagine that the energy you’re experiencing could be seen. Begin to look carefully at the
size, shape, color, and texture. Feel into it and expand your heart. You want to get as much
information about this energy as possible, because with information comes understanding. The
more clarity you have, the easier it will be to release. Ask yourself these questions:

.. Where is it? Pinpoint the exact location in the body.
.. Are there borders?
.. How big is it?
.. Is it contained in the body or does it expand out of the body?
.. What shape does the energy take?
.. Does it have a color?
.. What is the texture?
.. Is it hot or cold?
.. Are there any sounds or words associated with the energy?
.. What does the energy have to say to you about the problem?

Stage Four – Release

The release begins the moment your awareness touches the energy. The awareness goes
into the block, expanding it. As it expands, you may get in touch with the deeper emotional
aspect of the problem. The release may begin subtly and build with time until there is a moment
when a push is needed. Often sound or physical movement helps the energy to begin to
release. Remember that the blockage may have many layers, because it may have been
repressed for years out of fear and denial. Just soften, breathe, and allow the energy to move
as it wants to.

Continue to breathe consciously, allowing the higher Self to work through you rather than
trying to figure everything out. Breathe, wait, watch, be patient, and trust the process – holding
loving kindness for yourself and the energy. Each block is a teaching for the soul. As the energy
is released, you may feel a shift, feel or see light, and have a greater sense of your true Self.

Stage Five – Integration

After the release, a vacuum exists where the energy was. The integration stage involves
filling of the vacuum with the qualities of your essence that were obscured by the blockage.
These are qualities such as unconditional love and freedom. The more awareness you bring to
it, the more your true essence can fill the space.

Stage Six – Gratitude

You’ll know that healing has occurred when a feeling of gratitude wells up and expands your
heart. Sit and breathe this energy of gratitude until you feel complete. There is a sense of well-
being, connection to yourself and others. There may be a sense of deep calmness and even
bliss. To ground this experience, you might journal, draw, or create a symbol or affirmation that
represents the transformation. This is a process that takes practice and can facilitate deeper
and deeper healing with repeated use. Working (either individually or in a group setting) with
others who have experience with ART can often be helpful.

Note: Dr. Robert Jaffe taught this process in his energy school. It was expanded on and taught
to us by AlixSandra Parness, founder of the Inner Focus School for Soul Directed Advanced
Energy Healing (www.InnerFocus.org).

I always thought that writing a diary was always a thing for the girls. Ever since I was young that was my mindset. I know it seems twisted but that was the way I was thinking before.

As of this moment, I kept a diary by my side and update it every single night. It was my therapy for a stressful day. I once read that writing releases the stress and the tension before it breaks out into something destructive. I find it pretty relaxing and it exercises my brain as well. It makes me creative and spontaneous. The best effect however is the fact that it gives me time to think on how to deal with problems. It straightens my mind and it narrows down the problem.

Journal writing is good for the mind especially when you are feeling stressed. Try it out and feel the difference.

I received an e-mail from a very close friend of mine who sent me a short story about a bird, a cow, a cat and the poop. Here’s how the story went:

The bird was flying peacefully across the sky on a pretty cold winter day. Suddenly, his wings got covered with ice and he fell to the land freezing. He was not moving at all. A cow passed by and dropped it’s poop on the bird. The warmth of the cow’s dirt awakened the bird. He suddenly snapped out of deep freeze. Feeling all warm and good, the bird chirped for joy as he tried to get out of the poop. A cat passed by and dug him out. Immediately after getting him out, the cat swallowed him.

It struck me with three lessons in life that most of us often take forgranted.

1. Not everyone who drops poop on your head is to be considered an enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of the crap that you are into is your friend.
3. When you are in deep slumber, do not talk too much and try to stand up on your own to get away from the deep crap that you are into.

Life has been so unfair to me lately (at least on my own point of view). I thought that everything was going perfect when all of a sudden, my world crushed right in front of me. I never thought that the Alpha Male pride is going to hound me. My pride just got smashed into a million pieces and I just can’t get over it.

My friends raised money so that I could see a shrink. I was astonished because I never thought that anyone would notice my problems. When I got to the clinic, Dr. Randy talked to me and told me things that I myself did not notice but I realized that they were correct.

Thoughts came into my mind suddenly that I have a perfectly good life. A have a nice family, a decent paying job, nice group of friends and a whole lot more. I wouldn’t let a single problem ruin everything I have. All in all, the shrink experience was great. People with such knowledge are really blessed to help others who are in need.

Would you like a safe, natural way to heal your body and mind?
Now you can experience the healing energies used by the Pharaohs to promote personal power and vitality.

Hidden Knowledge Revealed: For 3,000 years statues of the Pharaohs depicted them holding two rods.  Only the Pharaohs and their High Priests were ever allowed to touch what we now know are healing devices.  When the Egyptian dynasties ended, knowledge of the purpose and use of the rods was known only to a few secret mystical societies who kept their existence hidden until a European nobleman revealed them to the world.

The therapy is now certificated by the IPTI and these Healing Rods, the authentic and proven energy tools of the Pharaohs, are now available for you to enhance your business.

The Pharaohs of Ancient Egypt used these healing tools for self empowerment and to stimulate the body to help reduce stress, fatigue, blood pressure, increase psychic development, open and clear the chakra fields, improve immune function and many other benefits.

The Cylindrical Rods are a pair, one being Copper, associated with the Sun (Yang) and a Zinc Rod associated with the Moon (Yin).

The Healing Rods are energetically conditioned in a 72ft pyramid in St Petersburg, Russia, (The Seliger Pyramid) built by Alexander Golod. The Rods and the Pyramid thus synergize a single and inseparable entity. They represent a technology of the 21st century, which will allow us to greatly improve our mental and physical abilities.

There are many people benefiting from these amazing products. When held there is a definite pulsing action going on in the hands. The client is left feeling calm, stress free and focused. People who have any aches and pains also report a difference

Widen your Horizon and earn extra money from a simple treatment

Angel Health is proudly offering a Healing Rod Therapy Course for Therapists who would like to use these tools within their practice. The course fee is $299. With rods $599 (optional)

This includes on-line training, support, manual and certificate.

If you would like to know about the Healing Rod Course please contact Angel Health on the number below for more information.       

00353-94-9880770 (Ireland)                         

The Rods have been used to help reduce the symptoms of:
•Insomnia   •Stress   •Fatigue   •High Blood Pressure   •Arteriosclerosis   •High Blood Pressure   •Gastric Distress, plus more 

Increase your energy & reduce stress
All of us are exposed to negative energy every day.  These harmful influences can come from the attitudes of people we encounter, world events, environmental pollution and the stress of everyday living.  Daily exposure to these negative influences can simply wear you down and leave you open to fatigue, depression, anger and disease.  The Healing Rods can restore your energy and reduce the harmful effects of stress and negative energy by helping to return your body to its natural balance.  THE RODS CAN HELP YOU TO FEEL MORE CALM AND CENTERED.  With your mind clear, you will find it easier to focus and accomplish more with less stress.  If you work as a healer, counsellor or body worker, you know how working closely with many people each day can deplete you.  Using the healing rods between sessions can restore your energy and clear your mind so that you can give each client or patient your best.

Enhance Inner Development
Whether you are an experienced mediator or simply want to advance your psychic development, THE HEALING RODS HAVE A PROFOUND EFFECT ON INNER LEVELS.  Numerous studies suggest that the rods can:
•Balance Yin/Yang Energies
•Enhance Mediation Practice
•Expand Energy Awareness
•Strengthen the Bio-Field
•Open All Chakras
•Increase Psychic Abilities
•Harmonize Energies Between Couples

The Pharaohs used the rods as part of their spiritual development, to attune themselves to Cosmic Forces.  If you’ve been searching for a way to take the next step on your Spiritual Journey, THE RODS CAN MAKE YOUR MEDITATION MORE PROFOUND AND OPEN INNER CHANNELS TO HELP YOU CONNECT WITH HIGHER LEVELS.

Scientific Studies
As we stated before, the reason that the rods have such a profound impact on disease is that they improve the energy flow in the body.  In Russia, where the rods are made, medical doctors, physicists and astro-psychologists have conducted numerous scientific tests on them. They observed that when holding the rods an electrical current moves through the body. Kirlian photography, which shows the energy flow in the body, reveals that SEVEN MINUTES OF HOLDING THE RODS HAS THE SAME EFFECT AS 30 MINUTES OF ACUPUNCTURE.  This current has been shown to follow the meridians used in acupuncture.  THE RODS “CLEANSE” THE MERIDIAN SYSTEM WHICH, ALLOWS ENERGY TO MOVE MORE FREELY THROUGH THE BODY.

It is important to understand that the rods do not heal directly.  Instead they balance the body and strengthen the immune response system SO THE BODY CAN HEAL ITSELF.

The Secrets of the Rods
Egyptian Pharaohs understood the energy flow in the body and the importance of balancing the Yin and Yang (Female and Male energies).  In order to enhance the effectiveness of the rods, a different type was made for each hand.  This same principle is used to create today’s scientifically engineered healing rods. A copper rod (signifying the Sun and Masculine Energy) was created to use in the right hand.  A zinc rod (signifying the Moon and Feminine Energy) was developed for the left hand.  When held properly, the rods create an electrical conduit that both increases energy flow and improves the functioning of the central nervous system.  Different materials are inserted into the rods, depending upon the intended effect, such as physical healing or spiritual development. 

That is why we offer four types of rods; each designed to help you achieve specific goals.

How to Choose the Rods
Pharaoh’s Healing Rods come in four basic styles:
Rods-Kont prepare the energy system for expansion. They stimulate the body’s natural healing response. Rods-Kont may lower blood pressure, help one relax and will reduce insomnia symptoms. Rods-Kont are generally described by customers as Relaxing and Grounding.
Rods-Quartz also prepare the energy system for expansion, however their crystalline filling operates at a different frequency. They stimulate a healing response in the body and enhance meditation practice. Customers describe the Rods-Quartz as soothing and cantering. They are the most universally appropriate selection for individuals who wish to expand their energy field. Holding the Rods-Quartz for 7 - 12 minutes balances the Chi and offers a response very similar to a 30-minute acupuncture session.
Rods-Crystal are energizing and stimulate mental and psychic energies. It is recommended that one be an experienced “Energy Worker” before using the Rods-Crystal. They also expand the Bio-Field and open all chakras, however, they do this far more quickly than the Kont or Quartz Rods. This could be uncomfortable if one who is aged or infirm. Rods-Crystal are very useful for meditation and psychic development.
Rods-Free are designed to rapidly correct Yin and Yang imbalances. In Chinese medicine a number of symptoms suggest an imbalance in one of these essential energy flows. The Rods-Free are only sold through a qualified health practitioner.

The rods help with:
• Relaxation, Stress and Fatigue, High Blood pressure,

Anxiety and Phobias, Pain relief/ Trauma

They also energize and increase mental agility bringing you into harmony and balance.

“I quickly feel revitalized after a stressful day of work. Thank you!” - J.L., Business Owner

“I am using the Rods with clients. They seem to obtain clarity far more quickly than when we just talk about their challenges” - T. L., career coach

For clarifications email: mail@angelhealth.co.uk

Salvia divinorum has made a name rapidly in today’s society as a legal alternative to marijuana. However, eight states have already placed restrictions on salvia and considered it as an illegal substance. Mere possession of is punishable by up to five years in prison.

Tagged as Sally - D, Magic Mind and Diviner’s Sage, Salvia is considered as a hallucinogen that gives users an out - of - body sense of traveling through time and space or gives them the thought that they are merging with an inanimate object. As compared to other hallucinogens such as LSD or PCP, Salvia’s effects are rather shorter and generally lasts up to an hour only.

Although no death has been linked to the use of salvia, it was tagged as a factor in one of Delaware teen’s suicide that occurred 2 years ago. Psychologists say that salvia is more powerful than marijuana. The teen’s mother said that salvia made the boy’s mood darker but then he justified this by saying the legality of the drug.

Salvia is sold in various flavors including apple, spearmint and strawberry and costs around $30 on the world wide web. Bearing the testimonial, “It might sound far fetched, but I experienced immortality”, Salvia has been selling like hot cakes on the Internet.

As far as law makers and various politicians are concerned, the use of salvia is illegal and as quoted from Florida state Senator Evelyn Lynn, “I’d rather be at the front edge of preventing the dangers of the drug than waiting until we are the 40th or even more”.

By: Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT http://www.lisakifttherapy.com
Couples seek relationship counseling for numerous reasons. As a professional
who works with many different couples with a variety of issues, I’ve
identified one similar thread that runs through all of them. Their
relationships lack in varying degrees of “emotional safety.” Typically, the
couples who present as the most hostile, distant, angry, disengaged or
otherwise dysfunctional are the least emotionally safe together. Even people
who come for counseling who have less glaring issues can benefit from a
tune-up in this area.

So what is “emotional safety” in a relationship? I define this as the level
of comfort both people feel with each other. There are six aspects in which
to assess the emotional safety in a relationship. They are respect, feeling
heard, understanding, validation, empathy and love. How can one assess their
own relationship based on this paradigm? When working with couples, I often
ask each partner to rate, from zero to ten, (zero being “never” and ten
being “all the time”) how much they feel each of the six mentioned aspects
of emotional safety from their partner. I chart it out with each person’s
name written on the top of a piece of paper with a column under each. Then
on the left side I list the six aspects with rows next to them.

1) Respect: How much do each of them feel respected by their partner? People
who report low levels of respect often experience criticism or judgment from
the other.

2) Feeling Heard: How much does their partner listen to them? Those who
don’t feel heard complain of being ignored, tuned out or talked over by the
other.

3) Understood: How much do each of them feel understood by their partner?
People with low levels of understanding from the other report frustration
around their partner not getting them or twisting their words into an
entirely different meaning.

4) Validation: How much do they each feel validated by each other? Low
levels of validation are problematic to any relationship in that one or both
don’t feel that their partner gets what they’re saying. Its one step beyond
understanding and it doesn’t require the partner to necessarily agree with
them.

5) Empathy: How much do they each feel the other can be empathetic with
them? A low number on this is the most toxic of the six aspects in that a
lack of empathy in a relationship means a lack of attunement to the others
emotions. The partner experiencing a lack of empathy can experience a great
deal of sadness or anger. “You don’t care how I feel.”

6) Love: How much do they feel loved by each other? This encapsulates and
reflects the state of the previous five. Couples who report low levels of
feeling loved by the other typically have low numbers in the other aspects.

Doing this type of charting makes it easy to compare and contrast how each
person feels in the relationship. This tool is very helpful to anyone
wanting to assess their own level of emotional safety. Be aware that it
might bring up a lot for both partners. If the topic proves to cause too
much emotional reactivity then a trained therapist can help flesh out the
results and provide a roadmap to make changes. In my work, I find that it
often involves altering communication styles, behavior modification and
exploration of both partner’s families of origin. The greatest evidence of
change in the relationship are these numbers going up - and they can!

Lisa Brookes Kift is a Marriage and Family Therapist who helps people
resolve individual issues and have more satisfying relationships. To learn
more about Lisa see her therapy website at www.lisakifttherapy.com. You can
read all of her mental health and relationship articles on her popular
therapy blog called, “Notes from a Therapist’s Chair” at
www.lisabrookeskift.blogspot.com.