3 Steps To Adjusting Expectations- An Anger Management Tool

Step 1- Decide what is “reasonable” and what is not.

This may be tricky because different people have different ideas of this. One way to do it is to think about it when you are calm and cool – many things that seemed “reasonable” when you were worked up seem ridiculous and petty in the cold light of day. So, make yourself take a time out, and think things through before responding. It is much easier to decide what is “reasonable” or not with a clear head.

Another way to do it is to compare someone’s behavior with other people in that situation or age group. For instance, we have different expectations for teens and adults, for single people and married people, for normal circumstances and difficult ones (such as grieving, or going through a divorce), for managers and minimum-wage workers, etc.

If you still are not sure if your expectation is reasonable, try asking peers or friends to get honest feedback. Good friends will tell you the truth and help you adjust those expectations in line with common standards in your social group or community.

Step 2- Take the word “should” out of your vocabulary

Fact is, we can’t control other people, try as we might. People behave the way they behave for their own reasons. Avoid the trap of getting upset because others don’t behave as they “should.” This sets up an expectation on your part that may not be reasonable – and it may also be wrong. Instead of “shoulding” on yourself, try changing your vocabulary to words like “I would prefer if……..” “It would be nice if….” Instead of “They should….”

Here are some questions to ask yourself that will help you in changing how you think about things that trigger your anger:

• WHY ‘should” the other person do what I think they should?

• WHY “should” things go the way I demand they go?

• Am I being too demanding of them?

• Am I imposing my own viewpoint on them?

• Am I judging them because they don’t do as they “should” in my mind?

Step 3- Remember that sometimes people or situations have more limitations than you give them credit for.

People often behave badly toward us because they are limited or have a

Problem- not because they are purposefully trying to make us miserable. Of

course, we want them to live up to our expectations, but in truth they are

fallible people who may not be able to - or they have a different agenda in

life than meeting your expectations.

For example, the middle-aged woman who cuts us off on the freeway may

be doing it because she just learned that her husband is divorcing her – she

probably doesn’t even know that you exist! Our parents may not give us the

love we deserve not because there is something wrong with us, but because

they have a limited capacity to love their children in the right way. Your

envious sibling may not have the capacity to “share” the limelight with

other people– including you.

Other personal limitations may include psychological disorders or emotional

difficulties which limit a person’s ability to function adequately in certain

life areas. Examples might include depression (which is why the other may

not have energy), ADHD (which may prevent a person from being able to

focus or stick to tasks, or achieve in school) or anxiety disorders (which may

lead to social isolation)

About the author:

The AJ Novick Group is a leading provider of Anger Management training, classes, anger management coaching, workplace programs and products. Ari Novick, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and an expert in the field of Anger Management. He has written numerous articles for magazines and Internet sites. Dr. Novick is the co-author of “Anger Management for the Twenty-first Century”, a highly sought after model for Anger Management intervention. For more information on Dr. Novick or the AJ Novick Group please visit www.ajnovickgroup.com or for online anger management classes visit www.angerclassonline.com