Source: http://thinkexist.com/quotes/with/keyword/psychiatry/

“Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings.”

Dr. Laurence J. Peter quotes (American “hierarchiologist”, Educator and Writer, 1919-1990)

I Like this quote I dislike this quote“The science of Psychiatry is now where the science of Medicine was before germs were discovered”

Malcolm Rogers quotes

I Like this quote I dislike this quote“The American temptation is to believe that foreign policy is a subdivision of psychiatry.”

Henry Kissinger quotes (American Political scientist. b.1923)

I Like this quote I dislike this quote“Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.”

Alfred Hitchcock quotes (English Film Director, 1899-1980)

I Like this quote I dislike this quote“I regard psychiatry as fifty percent bunk, thirty percent fraud, ten percent parrot talk, and the remaining ten percent just a fancy lingo for the common sense we have had for hundreds and perhaps thousands of years, if we ever had the guts to read i”

Raymond Chandler quotes (American Writer, author of detective fiction,1888-1959)

I Like this quote I dislike this quote“Psychiatry’s chief contribution to philosophy is the discovery that the toilet is the seat of the soul.”

Alexander Chase quotes

I Like this quote I dislike this quote“Whoever undertakes to create soon finds himself engaged in creating himself. Self-transformation and the transformation of others have constituted the radical interest of our century, whether in painting, psychiatry, or political action.”

Harold Rosenberg quotes (particularly known for his insightful contributions to the understanding of 20th-century visual art.)

I Like this quote I dislike this quote“Although we may not know it, we have, in our day, witnessed the birth of the Therapeutic State. This is perhaps the major implication of psychiatry as an institution of social control.”
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Thomas S. Szasz quotes (Hungarian psychiatrist and Professor of Psychiatry Emeritus at State University of New York Health Science Center in Syracuse, b.1920)

I Like this quote I dislike this quote“It had become clear to me, in a flash of illumination, that for me the only possible goal was psychiatry. Here alone the two currents of my interest could flow together and in a united stream dig their own bed. Here was the empirical field common to biological and spiritual facts, which I had everywhere sought and nowhere found. Here at last was the place where the collision of nature and spirit became a reality.”

Carl Gustav Jung quotes (Swiss psychiatrist, Psychologist and Founder of the Analytic Psychology, 1875-1961)

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.

“You don’t have to let your wife bully you,” he said.

“Go home and show her you’re the boss.”

The husband decided to take the doctor’s advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife’s face, and growled, “From now on you’re taking orders from me.

I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes.

Tonight I am going out with the boys.

You are going to stay at home where you belong.

Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?”

“I certainly do,” said his wife calmly, “the undertaker.”

Source: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/psychiatric.jokes.nursing.humor.are.you.insane.htm

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they’re cured and ready to re-enter society.

“So, Mr.. Clark,” the doctor says to one of his patients, “I see by your chart that you’ve been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you’re released?”

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, “Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering.

That’s still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it’s like to be a patient here.

People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I’ve grown interested in lately.”

Dr. Leroy nods and says, “Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.”

The patient replies, “And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.”

John and David were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end.

He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in to save him.

He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.

The Medical Director came to know of David’s heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the mental hospital as he considered him to be okay.

The doctor told David, “We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable.

The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr. John, hung himself in the bathroom, and died”.

David replied, “Doctor he didn’t hang himself, I hung him there to dry”.

*source: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/psychiatric.jokes.mental.health.hung.out.to.dry.htm

Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The older looking one asks the other, “What’s your secret? Listening to other people’s problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me.”

The younger looking one replies, “Who listens?”

*Source: http://www.workjoke.com/projoke30.htm

What would weird patients say? Something like this I suppose:

“Once I had multiple personalities, but now we are feeling well.”

“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.”

“I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.”

“The best thing about being schizophrenic is that I’m never alone.”

“Just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean people aren’t out to get you!”

“Hypochondria is the only illness that I don’t have.”

“I’ve always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I’d eat my M&M’s one by one with a glass of water.”

*source: http://www.workjoke.com/projoke30.htm

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

-None. The light bulb will change itself when it’s ready.
-Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
-Just one, but it takes nine visits.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

-How long have you been having this phantasy?”
-Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?”
-One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?

-”How many do you think it takes?”

*source: http://www.workjoke.com/projoke30.htm

Source: http://www.workjoke.com/projoke30.htm

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”

“I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”

“For God’s sake, NO!” exclaimed the woman. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward.”

*Source: http://www.psych.upenn.edu/humor.html

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then — just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone — “to relax,” I told myself — but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening, I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius, and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?”

One day, the boss called me in. He said, “Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.”

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking…”

“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce!”

“But Honey, surely it’s not that serious.”

“It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver. “You think as much as a college professor and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won’t have any money!”

“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

“I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with a social reportage on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn’t open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye: “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was /Porky’s/. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed…easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. The road to recovery is now nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step. I joined the Republican Party.

*Source: http://www.ajokes.com/jokes/1546.html

A man comes into the ER and yells “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one!

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At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.

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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

“Now your left.” Again, a flawless read.

“Now both,” I requested.

There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with BOTH his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam

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And of course, the best is saved for last…. I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?”

“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly!”