How to Assess the Emotional Safety in Your Relationship

By: Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT http://www.lisakifttherapy.com
Couples seek relationship counseling for numerous reasons. As a professional
who works with many different couples with a variety of issues, I’ve
identified one similar thread that runs through all of them. Their
relationships lack in varying degrees of “emotional safety.” Typically, the
couples who present as the most hostile, distant, angry, disengaged or
otherwise dysfunctional are the least emotionally safe together. Even people
who come for counseling who have less glaring issues can benefit from a
tune-up in this area.

So what is “emotional safety” in a relationship? I define this as the level
of comfort both people feel with each other. There are six aspects in which
to assess the emotional safety in a relationship. They are respect, feeling
heard, understanding, validation, empathy and love. How can one assess their
own relationship based on this paradigm? When working with couples, I often
ask each partner to rate, from zero to ten, (zero being “never” and ten
being “all the time”) how much they feel each of the six mentioned aspects
of emotional safety from their partner. I chart it out with each person’s
name written on the top of a piece of paper with a column under each. Then
on the left side I list the six aspects with rows next to them.

1) Respect: How much do each of them feel respected by their partner? People
who report low levels of respect often experience criticism or judgment from
the other.

2) Feeling Heard: How much does their partner listen to them? Those who
don’t feel heard complain of being ignored, tuned out or talked over by the
other.

3) Understood: How much do each of them feel understood by their partner?
People with low levels of understanding from the other report frustration
around their partner not getting them or twisting their words into an
entirely different meaning.

4) Validation: How much do they each feel validated by each other? Low
levels of validation are problematic to any relationship in that one or both
don’t feel that their partner gets what they’re saying. Its one step beyond
understanding and it doesn’t require the partner to necessarily agree with
them.

5) Empathy: How much do they each feel the other can be empathetic with
them? A low number on this is the most toxic of the six aspects in that a
lack of empathy in a relationship means a lack of attunement to the others
emotions. The partner experiencing a lack of empathy can experience a great
deal of sadness or anger. “You don’t care how I feel.”

6) Love: How much do they feel loved by each other? This encapsulates and
reflects the state of the previous five. Couples who report low levels of
feeling loved by the other typically have low numbers in the other aspects.

Doing this type of charting makes it easy to compare and contrast how each
person feels in the relationship. This tool is very helpful to anyone
wanting to assess their own level of emotional safety. Be aware that it
might bring up a lot for both partners. If the topic proves to cause too
much emotional reactivity then a trained therapist can help flesh out the
results and provide a roadmap to make changes. In my work, I find that it
often involves altering communication styles, behavior modification and
exploration of both partner’s families of origin. The greatest evidence of
change in the relationship are these numbers going up - and they can!

Lisa Brookes Kift is a Marriage and Family Therapist who helps people
resolve individual issues and have more satisfying relationships. To learn
more about Lisa see her therapy website at www.lisakifttherapy.com. You can
read all of her mental health and relationship articles on her popular
therapy blog called, “Notes from a Therapist’s Chair” at
www.lisabrookeskift.blogspot.com.