My Smile as My Acceptance

How can I possibly smile when the person I valued the most left me? It was not like a break-up where I could still get back my girl from a sincere and passionate persuasion. This was loss – something that would not allow me to gain something as its exchange.

I saw my beloved sister died right before my eyes. I saw how a careless drunk driver took her breath and soullessly left her like she was just a damn cat. It was tragic, but she managed to smile as her last memory. I never understood it, and from then on, I never knew what happiness meant. I never even remember the last time I did that gesture on my face. My sister was everything to me. And now that she’s gone, I didn’t know how to move on….

It has been five years and every month, I visited her, with that memory that appeared like a nightmare to me. No matter how much I hated it, I knew I had to live, even when the only thing that I had was solitude. Nothing could bring her back from the grave; even the life of the damned man who took her away wouldn’t be able to do that. At the back of my mind, I knew accepting her death would be the answer for this. On the other hand, it seemed that for someone like me, who hasn’t stopped grieving, would find it the most difficult to do.

Being the kindest person I’ve ever known, my sister never wanted me to visit her with a pathetic look in my face. I knew it was the last thing she wanted to have. So, I, with only a small amount of hope left, struggled to smile before her grave. Besides, loss was quite different from throwing something away. And I was certain that I haven’t thrown her memories. With this, I would have a reason to do that cheerful gesture that I used to forget…. I guess that would be my start.

They say that acceptance would be the hardest thing for someone who has lost the most important thing in his life. It took me five years to cope with the death of my sister, finding acceptance as the toughest challenge in my life. And as I take another time to visit her grave, I finally manage to smile, finally understanding what her smile meant.