Facing Psychotherapy

This is a blog for people who are hiding in the shadows, depriving themselves from this “silver lining” and scared from the inner-monsters that kept them extremely down. The words written here might be speaking your feeling…. because my existence used to be a phantom. However, my words are not meant to bury your flesh deeper, but to share the changes I already started.

I understand why I denied myself a psychological therapy even when I knew I really needed one. People had a way of jumping into conclusions in the most foolish way, thinking that you’ve gone mad or have become a complete psychopath once once you start seeing a shrink. I, being one of these idiots, thought of the same way. I also had this burden of believing that my situation was shameful, so I kept on concealing it myself even if I knew it would hurt me more. Thus, I deprived myself for getting a help from a professional, making my depression even worse.

As I expected, things have become worse. I didn’t know how to stand up, because my self-worth has stopped me from doing so. I guess this was the result of being abused by the person who used to be the dearest for you. Believing in every word he said was only natural, especially when you valued him in the most overwhelming way. It was a wonderful feeling at first, but little by little it became poignant. But because I valued him with every inch of my flesh, I remained silent just to keep him, even though it hurt me – sexually, physically, emotionally. And so, here I was, a person who no longer had a self-worth.

But something happened. On that day, my mother found out about this burden. I had a self-journal as the only medium to somehow ease this pain and she had read about everything. I guess it was more painful for her, knowing her daughter, the girl she had hopes for, was crashed by a guy who didn’t seem to have a soul. She was open-minded, unlike us who thought that psychological therapy only belonged for the psychopaths. Understanding my needs, she encouraged me to undergo a therapy with a professional. And it was then…. it was then when I finally gathered my courage to face my inner-demons that had been haunting me for a long time.

It wasn’t easy at first. Opening yourself to a stranger, even if she’s a psychiatrist was difficult. But I knew I had to speak, otherwise, everything would turn pointless. As I went on with my story, my doctor realized that I had chronic depression, meaning I have been clinically depressed for a years. She then gave me several assignments aimed for the betterment of my condition and prescribed me a medicine called Zoloft, an anti-depressant.

I am still undergoing to this therapy. I would be a complete fool if I said that I am healed. This sadness, lack of self-worth, low self-esteem, and a feeling of solitude are still here. Nevertheless, there are changes. Thinking that it’s not shameful to undergo a psychological therapy is one. That it is alright to feel this way. And that changes can still be done, even in the people felt hopeless and lost.